relationships don't work for those who give up easily

Seven failed relationships won't bring me down easily.

Okay, maybe that's not the whole truth. They all did bring me down - tear me apart, even - in their own cruel and twisted ways. Every single break up had me so close to taking my own life - which I now realize to be the most pathetic thing I've ever done; only to wake up from the nightmare and realize it simply isn't worth a single tear.

Strawberry was the first mistake of my love life history. It wasn't supposed to happen. It was all because of a kiss that neither one of us wanted. Being the noob, I was broken into the loops and holes of relationships - maybe far too much for a rookie. She realized I wasn't ready, and for my own sake, I got dumped.

When things with Phoebe didn't work out the way we wanted, I knew it wasn't going to last. And when it did fall apart, the sadness overwhelmed me. My entire senior year in high school was devoted to pursuing her, despite having two girlfriends then (I hooked up with Frances, broke up with her after a month then went back with Strawberry until summer before college). I devoted myself to excelling in academics - so did she. I figured we were both feeling the same way about the break up but things then were already too complicated we simply had to let go.

Sadly, I can't say that I actually loved Frances. Being the flirt that I was, we both knew we were not serious with each other at all. But once the relationship started, I thought she'd start thinking otherwise. I assumed too much.

Three strikes and I was out of the game. I got so frustrated. Why should I keep loving someone just so they can hurt me? Why even love at all?

Armed with frustration, pain, anger and misery, I crafted my alter ego - he who destroyed every single girl who fell for him. For years I let him live my life. There were even moments when I forgot which life is mine and which is his.

He succeeded in breaking them. I have lost count of how many hearts he crushed with his devious ways.

Until he fell in love.

Aya was supposed to be an easy conquest. She was only a child, weak and vulnerable. But he fancied her. Her child-like antics amused him. He got in too deep with her that eventually they both lost themselves in their pool of emotions. There wasn't a clear cut of ties between them but he moved on to a new victim - before she completely drowns him.

No different from Aya was Kath, the loveless. Nobody actually noticed her, until he did. She was sweet and naive, another easy catch. He effortlessly ensnared her. Though he didn't want to hurt her, he did - for the sake of sadism.

The twist came with Carol. She was just like the rest of them - at first. He made the mistake of letting himself get too involved with her, that she eventually absorbed most of his traits, actions and thoughts. She devoured him. The conqueror became the conquest of the apprentice.

Then she came.

She was my freedom, my salvation. I buried him into the deepest recesses of my mind. No more mischief, no more deceptions, no more lies. She doesn't deserve him, but I can change everything by doing my best to deserve her.

But I simply had to commit another unwanted kiss that ruined me for two and a half years.

Though I hate to admit it, I realized I did everything out of guilt. I forced myself to feel love - or at least something close to it. It was the least I can do for her. We ruined each other's lives that we just had to make something out of it. It came to me as no surprise when it ended. It was an overdue ending. It should have ended right before it even began. It was not a good ending, and I think it was some form of a payback for all those hearts and lives I destroyed back then. Nonetheless, it was still the ending I have long prayed for.

Now that I have resumed my freedom, I can proudly say that I'm in my element - something that I haven't experienced for a very long time.

For someone who haven't had a good relationship so far, I dare say I'm brave - or crazy - to keep trying out these waters.